Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts

Sunday, April 27, 2025

ME

 People often assume that preferring to stay home means something is wrong. Some think it must be loneliness, sadness, or fear holding someone back from going out. But for many of us, that couldn’t be further from the truth.

There comes a time in life when your home becomes your safe space. The world outside feels loud, rushed, and full of energy that doesn't always feel good to carry.

Stepping outside begins to feel more draining than refreshing. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the world. It just means you’ve learned to protect your own.

Home offers a kind of peace that few places can match. Your favorite blanket, your playlist in the background, your favorite meal in the kitchen—those things bring a sense of calm that no social event can replace. It’s not about being shy or hiding from life. It’s about knowing where your energy feels the most settled.

Even on the days we do go out, there’s a quiet countdown happening inside. The moment the shoes come off, the makeup is gone, and the oversized tee goes on—that’s the real comfort. That’s the reward.

Alone time doesn’t feel empty. It feels full. Full of awareness. Full of clarity. Full of real rest.

Some people won’t understand it, and that’s okay. This love for solitude doesn’t grow from bitterness. It grows from experience.

After enough noise, you learn to cherish the quiet. After enough chaos, you crave simplicity. It’s no longer about proving anything or being seen everywhere. It’s about choosing peace again and again.

This season of homebody energy isn’t about anyone else. It’s not for a partner. It’s not for attention. It’s for you. It’s about feeling good in your space, taking care of your needs, and choosing the kind of life that allows your nervous system to relax.

Happiness doesn’t always shout. Sometimes, it sits quietly on the couch with a cup of tea and says, “This is enough.” And in those moments, it truly is.

Author unknown.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

A DOG'S LIFE - THE ZIGSTER, AKA ZIGGY STARDUST

This morning I started thinking about Ziggy's life. He sleeps in our bed. He has plenty of healthy foods & vitamins. He gets treats & lots of attention, i.e. cuddles, petting, scratching, kisses. He has lots of toys & has fashioned a number of human games called tag, chase the kitchen towel or stolen napkin. In return, his responsibilities are to alert to a truck backing up (anywhere within hearing distance) or sirens, a stranger at the gate, approaching the house or Carol's arrival. He has to greet us enthusiastically and, when necessary, wait patiently to be toweled off. Sometimes he has to do tricks like sit, lie down, stay, wait, stop, to me. He has free medical care and his own rocking chair. As I watch him sleeping I started thinking..... maybe it would be nice to be Ziggy.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

AKRASIA & ENKRATEIA

The Akrasia Effect: Why We Don't Follow Through On What We Set Out to Do And What To Do About It

By James Clear 

June 20, 2016 8:20pm




By the summer of 1830, Victor Hugo was facing an impossible deadline. Twelve months earlier, the famous French author had made an agreement with his publisher that he would write a new book titled, The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Instead of writing the book, Hugo spent the next year pursuing other projects, entertaining guests, and delaying his work on the text. Hugo's publisher had become frustrated by his repeated procrastination and responded by setting a formidable deadline. The publisher demanded that Hugo finish the book by February of 1831--less than 6 months away.

Hugo developed a plan to beat his procrastination. He collected all of his clothes, removed them from his chambers, and locked them away. He was left with nothing to wear except a large shawl. Lacking any suitable clothing to go outdoors, Hugo was no longer tempted to leave the house and get distracted. Staying inside and writing was his only option. [1]

The strategy worked. Hugo remained in his study each day and wrote furiously during the fall and winter of 1830. The Hunchback of Notre Dame was published two weeks early on January 14, 1831.

The Ancient Problem of Akrasia
Human beings have been procrastinating for centuries. Even prolific artists like Victor Hugo are not immune to the distractions of daily life. The problem is so timeless, in fact, that ancient Greek philosophers like Socrates and Aristotle developed a word to describe this type of behavior: Akrasia.

Akrasia is the state of acting against your better judgement.It is when you do one thing even though you know you should do something else. Loosely translated, you could say that akrasia is procrastination or a lack of self-control. Akrasia is what prevents you from following through on what you set out to do.

Why would Victor Hugo commit to writing a book and then put it off for over a year? Why do we make plans, set deadlines, and commit to goals, but then fail to follow through on them?

Why We Make Plans, But Don't Take Action
One explanation for why akrasia rules our lives and procrastination pulls us in has to do with a behavioral economics term called "time inconsistency." Time inconsistency refers to the tendency of the human brain to value immediate rewards more highly than future rewards.

When you make plans for yourself -- like setting a goal to lose weight or write a book or learn a language -- you are actually making plans for your future self. You are envisioning what you want your life to be like in the future and when you think about the future it is easy for your brain to see the value in taking actions with long-term benefits.

When the time comes to make a decision, however, you are no longer making a choice for your future self. Now you are in the moment and your brain is thinking about the present self. And researchers have discovered that the present self really likes instant gratification, not long-term payoff. This is one reason why you might go to bed feeling motivated to make a change in your life, but when you wake up you find yourself falling into old patterns. Your brain values long-term benefits when they are in the future, but it values immediate gratification when it comes to the present moment.

This is one reason why the ability to delay gratification is such a great predictor of success in life. Understanding how to resist the pull of instant gratification--at least occasionally, if not consistently--can help you bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be.

The Akrasia Antidote: 3 Ways to Beat Procrastination
Here are three ways to overcome akrasia, beat procrastination, and follow through on what you set out to do.

Strategy 1: Design your future actions.
When Victor Hugo locked his clothes away so he could focus on writing, he was creating what psychologists refer to as a "commitment device." Commitment devices are strategies that help improve your behavior by either increasing the obstacles or costs of bad behaviors or reducing the effort required for good behaviors.

You can curb your future eating habits by purchasing food in individual packages rather than in the bulk size. You can stop wasting time on your phone by deleting games or social media apps. You can reduce the likelihood of mindless channel surfing by hiding your TV in a closet and only taking it out on big game days. You can voluntarily ask to be added to the banned list at casinos and online gambling sites to prevent future gambling sprees. You can build an emergency fund by setting up an automatic transfer of funds to your savings account. These are commitment devices.

The circumstances differ, but the message is the same: commitment devices can help you design your future actions. Find ways to automate your behavior beforehand rather than relying on willpower in the moment. Be the architect of your future actions, not the victim of them. [2]

Strategy 2: Reduce the friction of starting.
The guilt and frustration of procrastinating is usually worse than the pain of doing the work. In the words of Eliezer Yudkowsky, "On a moment-to-moment basis, being in the middle of doing the work is usually less painful than being in the middle of procrastinating."

So why do we still procrastinate? Because it's not being in the work that is hard, it's starting the work. The friction that prevents us from taking action is usually centered around starting the behavior. Once you begin, it's often less painful to do the work. This is why it is often more important to build the habit of getting started when you're beginning a new behavior than it is to worry about whether or not you are successful at the new habit.

You have to constantly reduce the size of your habits. Put all of your effort and energy into building a ritual and make it as easy as possible to get started. Don't worry about the results until you've mastered the art of showing up.

Strategy 3: Utilize implementation intentions.
An implementation intention is when you state your intention to implement a particular behavior at a specific time in the future. For example, "I will exercise for at least 30 minutes on [DATE] in [PLACE] at [TIME]."

There are hundreds of successful studies showing how implementation intentions positively impact everything from exercise habits to flu shots. In the flu shot study, researchers looked at a group of 3,272 employees at a Midwestern company and found that employees who wrote down the specific date and time they planned to get their flu shot were significantly more likely to follow through weeks later. [3]

It seems simple to say that scheduling things ahead of time can make a difference, but as I have covered previously, implementation intentions can make you 2x to 3x more likely to perform an action in the future.

Our brains prefer instant rewards to long-term payoffs. It's simply a consequence of how our minds work. Given this tendency, we often have to resort to crazy strategies to get things done--like Victor Hugo locking up all of his clothes so he could write a book. But I believe it is worth it to spend time building these commitment devices if your goals are important to you.

Aristotle coined the term enkrateia as the antonym of akrasia. While akrasia refers to our tendency to fall victim to procrastination, enkrateia means to be "in power over oneself." Designing your future actions, reducing the friction of starting good behaviors, and using implementation intentions are simple steps that you can take to make it easier to live a life of enkrateia rather than one of akrasia. [4]

James Clear writes at JamesClear.com, where he shares science-based ideas for living a better life and building habits that stick. To get strategies for boosting your mental and physical performance by 10x, join his free newsletter.
This article was originally published on JamesClear.com.
  1. The story about Victor Hugo locking away his clothes has become embellished over the years. Most versions claim that he had a servant routinely lock away his clothes while he wrote naked each day. As best I can tell, this embellishment is a myth. The true version that I describe in this article originally comes from a book by Hugo's wife: "Victor Hugo Recounted by a Witness of His Life" by Adele Foucher.
  2. Thanks to my friends at Beeminder for some of the ideas I mention here. You can see their full article on commitment devices to overcome akrasia for more ideas.

  • "Using implementation intentions prompts to enhance influenza vaccination rates" by Katherine L. Milkman, John Beshears, James J. Choi, David Laibson, and Brigitte C. Madrian. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences: Vol. 108 No. 26.

  • Thanks to my friend Nir Eyal for originally pointing me toward the term akrasia.
  • Friday, April 14, 2017

    A MOMENT OF REAL PRIDE (FORGIVE ME.....BUT IT IS MY BLOG)

    Dear J. R. 

    On Jan. 3 2014, I signed paperwork for retirement from ABC. Thanks to you, I have had the pleasure of going not to work but to have fun. What you have given me is the greatest gift ever when you asked me in1976, "would you like to do the show?".That was the beginning of something wonderful that lasted the next 36 years and I love you for it. There is not a day that goes by when don't think of you and rate every subsequent director by the high bar that you set at GMA. You were and will always be the man in my book. Love to you and Carol. Adrian

    My response: Adrian, I don't know what to say. That was the best compliment. You were/are a wonderful human being and I was lucky you said "yes". When I see you with a mini cam, I remember those early days getting you all out of the studio into the field to tape your own field stories for GMA. I'm so very happy you have enjoyed your time at GMA; it was a special time for me, too, albeit for a much shorter period. Enjoying one's work is a great prize & if I had something to do with that, I'm happy as hell. I saw Joannie & Karen Steckler not too long ago. Both seem to be doing fine. Hopefully I'll get to see you, too, one day. I miss all of you. Your friend, Jan.

    Saturday, December 03, 2016

    FACTS OR NOT, A PROBLEM FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?

    Honestly, folks, here's a problem I have & I ask for your thoughts on the matter. 

    DJT has made & continues to make statements that are FACTUALLY untrue when taken literally. 

    The PETUS & his spokespeople have stated in multiple settings, multiple times, during the campaign and after the election, that what the PETUS states is not necessarily what he means. It may be a symbolic statement, not a factual statement. And the MSM takes his statements literally but "the people" understand what he really means. 

    Does this mean that every time he makes a statement, I should interpret it instead of listening to it? Should I believe the PETUS's statements or not? So, for example, when he says "Stop It" looking into the camera on "60 Minutes", does he really mean STOP IT! or is it really a wink & a nod to proceed? 

    What I'm trying to noodle out is how to weigh what the PETUS and soon-to-be POTUS says going forward. It strikes me is that if I'm constantly "interpreting" what he really means instead of listening to what he states, I could get into a lot of trouble intellectually. 

    What's your take?

    Friday, August 14, 2015

    This is a social experiment

    Does anyone recognize this beautiful young woman, circa 1968, Location NYC, Central Park, Bethesda Fountain? 





    This photo was taken w a 300mm lens. She knew I was shooting her & smiled that little smile. 

    I fell in love, returning to the fountain many times but never saw her again. I placed ads in the local paper. I had the photo enlarged to life-size & glued to the back of my rent controlled apt door so I could see it every day as I left for work (a bit creepy, I know). 

    Recently I found the original black & white photo (Tri-X film) & decided to share this unrequited social experience with all of you.

    Maybe you'll recognize her or she will recognize herself. 

    Hopefully you will share this with all your friends. 

    What a story if it comes full circle. 

    Thanks. 


    Monday, April 20, 2015

    Early Spring 2015




    I think this was the first winter that really got me down. I usually find something beautiful in the architecture of the barren trees, clean white snow, the shadows of winter, but this year all those positive feelings went right out the window by the end of January. My soul has now been lifted by the peeking bulbs; all the daffodils & hyacinths.

    Wednesday, July 25, 2012

    Is There A Dream Doctor in the House?


    Office Scene: There are several people besides me in the office; co-workers. 

    One is a white woman, who like me, is of indeterminate age, two are East Asia Indians, one woman, one man. Both are in their twenties. 

    It is not clear what my function is in this office, nor that of the white woman, nor that of the East Asia Indian man who is slightly effete. 

    The young woman, however, is a weathercaster who is prognosticating, presumably to an audience, altho no transmission equipment is in sight. She finishes her report & walks off the non-existing set, strides past my desk, while all the while talking about the weather, i.e. "the trees are swaying back & forth, the sun is coming up..." 

    Then she stops, turns around & returns to her non-existent set where she retrieves and puts on her wool, calf-length, front buttoning overcoat and starts to walk out, again past my desk. 

    There she is stopped (not physically) by the East Asian young man where the two engage in conversation that I cannot hear even though they stand  right next to my desk. 

    After a short while, they both exit the space even though there is no door. This is odd. Also odd, is that it's not winter, i.e. there's no reason for an overcoat. 

    I decide to leave the office too; not to follow them or anything like that. I just felt the urge to leave the office. But I was only wearing socks so I began searching for my shoes. There were quite a few scattered around my desk area but I couldn't find a like pair. This was frustrating & the anxiety increased as I continued the search through the scattered shoes. Turns out there was no like pair among them. 

    I woke up.

    Friday, April 13, 2012

    On the Passing of Mike Wallace > Ridgefield Press 04/12/12


    I cried on Sunday morning.

    Mike Wallace had died overnight and I sat watching his obit prepared by Morley Safer some time ago. Morley asked Mike if he planned on retiring so he could sit back and contemplate. Mike's response: contemplate what? What is there to contemplate about? It was vintage Mike.

    But I did contemplate Mike's passing and what it meant to me.

    Did I know Mike? Sure. Had I had worked with him? Yes. Sad as his passing was, it also represented the passing of a very important part in my life.

    For the last decade or so it has been like watching a rose lose its petals one by one and there are very, very few petals left.

    Already gone were Harry (Reasoner), Don (Hewitt), Ed (Bradley), Richard Threlkeld , Walter (Cronkite), Richard C. Hotlett, Les (Midgley), Fred Friendly, Dick (Salant), Zeke (Segal), Ralph (Paskman), Bud (Benjamin), Charles Collingwood, Andy (Rooney), Charlie (Kuralt), Eric Sevaraid and others.

    Some were personal friends, others were hallway colleagues but all were seasoned journalists during a wondrous time who had taught me much about professional integrity and truths.

    As I watched Mike's obit, I recalled Morley, the young corespondent with the Canadian passport, who had returned from Vietnam with a story titled "The Burning of the Village of Cam Ne". Today almost 50 years later, I can still see the opening frames: the closeup of a U.S. soldier's hand, holding a lit Zippo lighter, touching the edge of a thatched hut, setting it ablaze to deny refuge to the Vietcong and their sympathizers.

    I contemplated whether Morley saw himself too far behind Mike. And whether Mike was the last rose petal, representing that special time when I had the privilege to work amongst this greatest generation of colorful, talented, dedicated group of journalists.


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    Sunday, September 12, 2010

    For all you detail oriented people out there.

    So there I was, smug in my personal blogisphere, diddling myself with some pseudo intellectual drippings from my scattered mind & I receive the following note from a person I hadn't seen in 30 long years.
    Just noticed a misprint on your blog...I believe it's "piqueing" not "peaking". [...] the "offending" word is right below the tital on your blog.
    So I looked and sure enough under that majestic title of JAN RIFKINSON'S UNIVERSE, I had painstakingly written:
    "Items peaking my interest. Videos, links to interesting or topical stories, my movie & book reviews, essays, commentary, humor and photos."
    It really pissed me off because it took me a long time to come up with that line. I wanted to explain my blog in a single line, no word wrap.

    By nature I'm a pretty anal person -- no, no -- I mean I'm very detail oriented so this was a thunderbolt that struck me both in head & heart. BUT I respect accuracy more than embarrassment so, in shame, I jumped back into Google's Blogspot > Edit layout & started fiddling again. So now the line reads:
    Items that pique my interest. Videos, links to interesting or topical stories, my movie & book reviews, essays, commentary, humor and photos.
    Please note that I've use both an ampersand and the word "and" in the same sentence. Lest you think I was not paying attention, you're WRONG. I had to do that so it would fit on one line, i.e. no word wrap.

    So Peter Brinkerhoffenswine, you turned out to be more anal than I am but now I'm even more satisfied that I took you on a re-doubled bet in backgammon 30 years ago.  Yeah !!

    Tuesday, September 07, 2010

    The Kit Thomas Affair

    Before our first class at St. John's, we sat in a stairwell of a private apartment building near school and communed about this or that and maybe shared from a small waxed paper bag of deep fried banana chips. It was a private time between us. This was in Puerto Rico, in the mid 50's.

    Once, at my house in Cupey Alto (in the country), she leaned over and, to my great surprise, kissed me although I can't remember where she planted it. However, I do remember it was a very special, gentle moment. Even today, I can see us sitting on that tree trunk. I was probably 12 or 13 at the time. I think she was too.

    Her name was Kit Thomas and she was my girl friend. We never had sex. I don't think we even petted – just look at the picture; there wasn't that much to pet, anyway -- but our bond was tight. It was very serious even though she was about a head taller than I was.

    I don't know how long our 'affair' lasted but I think it was a long while but at that time of life, days were long (unlike how short they seem when you get older) so maybe our relationship lasted only for a few weeks or months, instead of years.

    Anyway, Kit's dad had been temporarily transferred from -- was it White Plains? -- to organize the a Boy Scouts of America chapter in Puerto Rico and he had an office in Old San Juan, the very quaint, cobble stoned, 500 year old city which is the capital of Puerto Rico. Sometimes we'd go into Old San Juan just to wander about and to visit Mr. Thomas which, ultimately, gave us the idea.

    You see, at the end of 9th grade, I was leaving for a summer school-camp in Vermont to prepare for my transfer into a rather fancy Pennsylvania prep school the following academic year.

    By this time, Kit and I had sworn our love to each other, proclaimed our joint fidelity while apart and to formalize that promise, we each removed our exchanged rings which we wore around our necks (a public demonstration of our commitment to one another) and placed them into two little envelopes and onto the bottom shelf of Mr. Thomas' big black safe with the gold writing on it, behind his office desk. It was a solemn ceremony and Mr. Thomas looked on, quietly, respecting the moment.

    For me there was a slight let down after that as I liked 'belonging' to Kit but I knew everything would be okay; somehow it would work out. Who understood or even thought about the future in those days.

    Then I went off to camp.

    There I got 'prepared' for prep school, was taught speed reading, played with an old, four door, black Mercury and learned about "Jew shoes" but that's an altogether different story.

    At the beginning of the summer, I was able to communicate with Kit by the single public telephone that lived in a cramped booth in the main building.

    I 'paid' for these calls by providing my grandfather's telephone number in New York to the long distance operator (nobody asked him if he could or would accept those charges) but finally, one day, I was informed that Kit had  left Puerto Rico to spend the summer with friends in her hometown.

    I had no further contact with her until summer's end. Strangely, I don't remember how I felt about that loss but, with current introspection, it probably gnawed at me as that's my personality.

    Finally, by summer's end, I reconnected with Kit only to discover that our little world had been invaded by another male; not by the home town hero, the high school president, the homecoming king, the varsity baseball, basketball player or quarterback, but by a lowly soda jerk who worked at the local hangout.

    There was no going back.

    So much for that romance which I still remember fondly.

    Monday, August 23, 2010

    August 19, 2010 > a wedding story 38 years later as published in the Ridgefield Press

    38 years ago, I married 24 year old Carol Renee Phillips in a teeny ceremony on a sultry day in an Universalist Church in Miami Florida. The witnesses, two friends, flew in for the secretive occassion. The date, August 19th, selected because it fell between the Democratic and Republican Conventions, both in Miami that year. No, Carol nor I was a delagate, rather we both worked at CBS News.
     
    The minister read from a prepared script that I had written -- an intricately woven combination of Navajo & Zuni marriage ceremonies -- in a fenced garden in the back of the church, under the shade of a Flamboyan tree. It was steamy hot & I was sweating in an open Ralph Lauren sport shirt, blue jacket & tan slacks while my beautiful bride was dressed head to toe in a tailored white lace Mexican wedding dress that fit every curve of her young body.

    Afterward we toasted with champagne, signed some papers and went back to our apartment to change into shorts & tees to rest & prepare for the evening's party.

    The deal was this: none of our guests could know it was a wedding party as we didn't want them to bring gifts, just themselves.

    "Can't I tell anyone I just got married?", my soon-to-be bride had asked during the closely held planning sessions? Only if they ask "what's new or what you did today", I had replied smartly.
     
    At the start of the evening, as guests began arriving, I stood outside directing traffic as many merry pranksters had been invited. A few who went in came back out to offer their congratulations. "What for?", I'd ask. "Didn't you have a special event earlier today?" they replied, wondering if they made some embarrassing mistake.

    Sensing a rat, I walked into the party only to find my newly minted wife re-dressed in her Mexican wedding gown, waving her left hand around, talking animatedly to our guests.

    How in the world could anyone have walked into that room and not have asked a question leading to the formerly unmentionable reply: "Yes, I got married today."

    And so gentlemen & young marrieds I say to you 38 years later, the lesson I learned that day is that your better half is, indeed, your better half & you'd best not forget it.

    Tuesday, July 20, 2010

    A dream..... is it time for a(nother) therapist?

    A train stops within a hair of where I was standing with a brown friend & a young black woman. I pushed them out of the way just as the train started to roll again. As the open door to the engineer went by me, I yelled at him: 'slow down you idiot'.

    Next thing I knew: a tall muscular college student (appears to be a black man) starts accusing my friend of fleeing with his girlfriend or something when in fact he was just commenting on train or asking her for directions. I get between them & when it continued, I suggest we all get a cup of coffee together.

    Next I see us approaching a coffee stand like in a subway station. But my friend finds an open briefcase w some papers. To the left of us was a person behind a counter who told him to leave briefcase alone -- he ignores this advice. 

    There seems to be a trail of paper which the others start to follow. Then the rest of  us follow suit. We run into a street bum in the dark passageway with his cart & ask him if he has seen a dead body, an idea gathered before for some unknown reason. 

    The others go ahead of me as I continue to question the bum. Finally I continue walking down the dark corridor. There are two other women walking in the same direction. They are going to work.

    We are stopped @ a steel door which is extremely heavy to open -- which I just manage to do -- and one of the ladies helps too. 

    On the other side of the door, the corridor continues but around a corner we run into a wall of smoke (tear gas??). There are 3 or 4 people who have hit the floor to avoid the smoke / gas. Truman is hunched down too & I snuggle up to him & ty throw my arm over him. 

    Ahead there are a bunch of cops (heavy duty) w a dead body. And I woke up

    Thursday, May 27, 2010

    The Yin & Yang of a weekend trip to Washington, DC

    Carol and I traveled to Washington, DC ostensibly to attend a wedding. We had some free time & there were a few sites we both wanted to visit between our social obligations.

    On Friday afternoon, in the blazing sun, we walked to the Vietnam Memorial wall. On the way there we ran into a friendly squirrel.
    Calling it a wall is sort of a misconception, at least to us. While it is a wall, it is set into the side of a berm, i.e. it was not a free standing wall which we had always imagined it to be. This did not take away from its simple beauty or tragic symbolism. 

    As we walked along it in respect of those who were sacrificed, I told Carol that what saddened me most was knowing that 35,000 of those 'names' became eligible for their etching only after the start of peace talks between the United States & the Republic of North Vietnam. 

    The two sides first had to first decide on the location for the negotiation, then the shape of the table the negotiators were to sit at & other such important items before getting into the protracted peace talks which where punctuated by extra U.S. bombing runs to make a negotiation point, the suspension of the talks & the return to talks, a dance that went on  for years so everyone could save 'face'.


    Saturday morning started with a cholesterol filled breakfast (eggs benedict) & a cooler walk to the National Holocaust Museum. It was crowded, many of the vistors where young. I guess that's a good thing but I couldn't imagine how these kids were going to absorb what they were to read & what they would see.



    In the museum lobby, you take an ID card which contains the photo and the story of a person who died in the holocaust. My person was a Polish Jew named Chaim Engel. When the Germans invaded Poland, they sent him to Germany as a slave laborer. In 1940 he was shipped back to Poland but immediately deported to the Sobibor death camp. There a small prisoner revolt took place; Chaim stabbed his overseer (to death) while screaming the name of his father & his mother & others murdered with each thrust of the knife. Chaim escaped into the dense forest where he hid out until the war ended. After living in Europe & Israel, he emigrated to the U.S. in 1957.

    At the start, the museum is dark and foreboding. No natural light filters through the steel covered windows.

    The tour beings on the forth floor and wends its way down an irregular ramp which takes you through different spaces of exhibits, photos, videos, news reels, clothes, hair, films, objects (large & small) in a time line from the rise of the Nazi Party to the present.

    But to give you an inkling of the intensity is to describe traveling to the fourth floor in a crowded industrial-like stainless steel elevator; to me a reflection of the gas chambers that were used to poison groups of un-suspecting prisoners. At some level I felt some relief when the doors opened on the fourth floor.

    The story of the Jew's descent into hell begins with Kristallnacht (the night of broken glass) and continues as the race laws were enacted, destroying Jewish life & dignity bit by bit before destroying bodies and minds. Then came the camp experience told by survivors via film & audio recordings. Next the liberation as seen by the troops and here I have to pause for a moment to describe one video that impacted me deeply but I didn't know it until later when it hit me like what I imagine PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) episode must be like. 

    When the allies reached Auschwitz & Bergen-Belsen & other camps, the Nazis had not had enough time to destroy all the 'evidence' of their atrocities so the allied soldiers found piles of dead bodes which had not yet been burned along with mountains of shoes & hair, and brushes & spoons. Oh yes, there were the odd skeletal survivors & one can only marvel at the strength of the body to survive such horrors. 

    To avoid disease, the allied army was tasked with buring the piled dead bodies in mass graves. This was accomplished using bulldozers so there I stood watching a video of these bulldozers pushing piles of emaciated corpses into a mass grave & covering them with dirt. 

    Then came the story of how no one would accept the refugees from these camps who had nothing, some left without their dignity nor a shred of clothing to hide their bodies. Not the United States, no country really, so Jewish organizations set up camps for these people to heal & to get organized before moving on.

    We walked through narrow hallways with photos from ceiling to floor on both sides of people who had lived in the shtetls (villages) before the war, the names of these shtetls engraved in glass to be glanced at as we moved along. Then the names of the inhabitants of the shtetls also etched in glass. Some light could now be seen as we approached the end of this tragic journey. 

    But just before we reached the first floor, there was a vast bright and almost empty room save some simple stone benches & an eternal flame. There were only a very few people in there. 

    It was the remembrance room where people could sit and meditate, to think about what they had just seen & heard, to think about relatives or friends, or friends of friends, or relatives of friends, or period stories read & to consider some of the more recent ethnic cleansing in Europe and Africa. 

    It reminded me of the a room in the Jersalem Halacoust Museum -- a room of eternal flames -- a number of them placed on the floor below a low, wooden, viewing balcony, each flame representing a remembrance of the thousands of Jews lost in each country conquered by the Nazi war machine. 

    I started to enter the Washington Holocaust remembrance room & felt a sudden need to stop as though a strong hand was in front of me, preventing me from entering. Mind you, this was all in nano seconds. But I turned away overwhelmed by an enormous emotion, a sorrow, so huge that it left me with the greatest urge to burst into tears but I managed to keep myself together. Carol must have seen something on my face & asked if I was all right. I couldn't talk. I could only shake my head. 

    Outside we sat on a stone bench, watched children lined up waiting for their tour to begin, and talked about other things: the weather, what we would do next, the back timing necessary to get to the chuch on time. After a few minutes we walked back to the hotel. 

    Four thirty in the afternoon found us at the little yellow church near the White House for a lovely wedding ceremony followed by cocktails, dinner, speeches & dancing. 

    The date was May 22rd & it wasn't until many hours later that I flashed on my 97 year old father being buried about six weeks before, his coffin in the hole in the ground; everyone throwing shovels full of earth into the hole to cover the coffin which contained his body, emaciated by old age. He would have been 98 on May 23rd.

    Sunday, May 09, 2010

    For my mother on mother's day

    You wonder about my mother. Well, my mother is my hero in life. She was smart, funny, independent (except at the end), creative & terribly honest. She could strike up a conversation with anyone -- and did -- while guarding her privacy -- and she did. She was extremely proper but open minded to new ideas & customs which she never followed. She was a great date & while I was in prep school in PA she used to take me to New York to the theatre, museums, and the like.

    Many years later, when I first came to New York to work after college, my mother came to my little apartment to find an empty refrigerator & a dusty floor & insisted that I had to buy food & have a maid. I explained that I never went into grocery stores & that I didn't want anyone cleaning up after me. However I agreed that I would accompany her to the grocery store only to wait outside while she shopped. I did this barefoot. I also agreed to a maid as long as I never met her, never paid her, never had to tell her what to do. This was accomplished, starting one day the very next week while I was at work. This lady bought food, cleaned the apartment, left me notes & I never laid eyes on her. A couple of years went by.

    Then Carol & I started dating. One night she stayed over & slept in as I went to work. The next morning as Carol lay drowsily in bed, she heard the door open & a person enter the apartment. Frightened, she wrapped her naked body in a sheet & jumped into the closet where she was discovered by the maid. The next week, I found a note from the maid saying she felt I was now in good hands & didn't need her help any more and she never returned.

    As my mother grew old, she became afraid of this and that & my father, ever the doctor & loving husband, took care of her. Slowly but surely over the years my mother fell into decline. Finally she entered the hospital as an emergency patient several times with fluid in her lungs & a weakened heart. The last time she entered the hospital, she suffered an attack of some kind which landed her in ICU where she was strapped down, intubated, fed intravenously, diapered, bathed, handled, rolled over, & examined every few hours.

    Nightly we met with her doctor -- my father, my sister & I. My father & sister discussed her medical condition since they are both doctors while I sat across from my mother's physician merely listening. Finally I explained to my mother's doctor that I had a different agenda. I believed he was practicing the best & worst of medicine -- the best because of all the technology & medical advancements, the worst because my mother had no quality of life nor could we ever hope for one. I asked that he make her more comfortable with more drugs so she could rest peacefully. He explained her dosage & I explained that I didn't care -- I wanted it doubled. It was.

    Finally my mother died strapped down, intubated, fed intravenously, diapered, bathed, handled, rolled over & examined every few hours. She was sleeping.

    The Jewish religion includes a ritual bathing by women from the synagogue who then wrap the body in a shroud to be buried in the simplest of pine boxes. But before that happened my father insisted on seeing her one last time -- something that is not done. And he wanted us all to see her, too.

    I entered the storage room where the wooden coffin rested on a table. My father, sister & brother-in-law went left, towards the head of the coffin. I turned right towards the foot of the coffin & as I walked around the pine box, I gently removed the toe tag from her right toe -- just like the movies.

    There was my mother, world traveler, great date, funny, smart, independent, creative & terribly honest, lying there in a simple dress, cold & colorless with a toe tag. Thanks to my father, that's the last memory I have of her.

    I talked to my mother every day during the several years of her decline. I shared her fright of falling, her frustrations of not being able to write because her hands shook, losing her appetite and her strength, not being able to read (her favorite pastime) & her fear of death. Her own mother had died at age 83. She did, too. I still try to talk to her every day. Some days are harder than others.



    Sunday, April 25, 2010

    Maybe We'll Leave Ridgefield

    Eleven years ago Carol & I moved to Ridgefield CT after seventeen years in beautiful Pound Ridge to live in a quaint New England town. This was going to be our last stop. While Ridgefield remains a wonderful town, it's beginning to remind me of what happened to us in New York City.

    Many, many years ago we bought into an historic brownstone on an historic street on NYC's upper west side. It was in the 70's between Central Park West & Columbus Avenue. We had a neighborhood watch. People cleaned up after their dogs (before there was a law). Mr. Tiffany had once owned the brownstone across the street & you could see his study, complete with a back lit Tiffany glass ceiling; it was that kind of neighborhood. And it had a mix of all kinds: from folks who had moved there 30-40 years prior to newcomers, renters as well as owners. The Rolling Stones' Keith Richards was a neighbor. So was a well known heart surgeon.

    Columbus Avenue was replete with tiny mom & pop shops: dry cleaning, fruit & veggie stands, cheese & hardware stores & the corner newspaper shop where Morris (who owned it) was the only person who cashed personal checks, knew everyone and had everyone's preferred paper ready for them in the morning. There were old styled soda shops with stools and counters, ordinary coffee and lots of mirrors, chrome & vinyl. Richard Ruskay of Ruskay's served reasonably priced, delicious meals to couples in old fashioned booths.

    Then the neighborhood got gentrified. Fancy coffee houses, those kitschy little shops sprung up like so many weeds, Morris had to move out to make way for Putamayo and the rest is history. The sidewalks became so crowded with strangers that stepping into the gutter was sometimes necessary just to get by.

    The neighborhood had been devoured and so we moved away, having lost the very quality we had bought into, worked hard to preserve and loved so much.

    Wednesday, April 14, 2010

    Three in the afternoon.


    I went to Starbuck's for a cup of coffee (no, no, no...'a tall latte, no fat' in SB parlance) & a mallorca but they were out of mallorcas. So I had my latte with a chocolate chip cookie outside, facing the sun, perched on a metal Starbuck's chair.

    There I sat, sipped, crumbled & tried to immerse myself in my current paperback mystery. The place was bustling with business so I was frequently distracted by what walked by.

    After about 30 minutes, I got into my little, black car, its top down & started driving through the connecting 'mallettes' to avoid the afternoon traffic so I could get home to my Bouvs.

    Instead something came over me. And rather than tamp it down, I let it go.

    I turned into a big, empty parking lot, maneuvered my car to face the sun which was perpendicular to the parking lanes, turned the engine off, moved my seat waaay back & took out my book to read some more.

    The sun was warm, a gentle breeze blew by. Soon I placed the open book on my chest & took a delicious nap right there in the parking lot.

    Then I drove home.