A BIT OF HUMOR ON A SAD DAY (FROM THE NEW YORKER)

POOH BEAR

I had fun times working with her in the early years of GMA

Thanks, Joe.

My Marie > Fifty Two Years Later

When I was a very, very young and lucky fellow, I dated a dark haired, ravishing, buxom beauty named Marie (accent over the 'e'). We were inseparable at school, after school, movies, sandwich shops, parties and so forth. It was a very serious affair for a pair of 16 year olds.

Finally I thought I'd better bring Marie home to meet my parents just in case we decided to get married. She was okay with this but understandably nervous.

Marie, a dresser as well as a looker and sex goddess, donned one of her finer outfits: a beautiful but modest blouse with a full skirt maxed out by all the undergarments of the time, did up her hair and makeup in demure fashion, to prepare for this august occasion.

When I saw her, I was both pleased and relieved by her appearance. And so I took Marie home to meet my parents. 

We arrived and the folks met us outside on the front lawns along with our boxers Junior and Cleo (as in 'patra'), Rita, the pet black white goat and the mini-dachshund, Chiquita.

And there stood Marie, hand outstretched, greeting first my father (whom I think she momentarily flirted with as this was her way) and then my mother, the Empress.

It was a very warm day and I was sweating it but everything seemed to be going well as I watched the expression on my parents' face for a sign.

Meanwhile, one of my faithful Boxers (it was Junior) ambled up to Marie, walked between her legs, stuck his head under her crinolines, looked straight up and started panting.

For a moment, Marie tried to be 'cool' and ignore it, thinking it was a momentary aberration which would disappear on it's own. But Junior didn't move and the seconds seemed like hours.

It must of been dark under all those crinolines so I don't know what he was doing but Marie was finally forced to step back and gather herself and her skirts, thus utterly destroying this important teenage moment.

Of course everyone apologized for Junior's bad behavior except me as I couldn't blame him for reading my mind.

Anyway, the following year I was away at boarding school and Marie ended up with a different guy.

Last I heard, which was many years later, she was married with five kids.

I've never seen her again.

December 2011

This is why I love her so....

You can't make this stuff up

Check out clerk @ local Stop 'n Shop to Carol who was next in line:

"Please be patient w me. I have A.D.D. & I just had a hysterectomy. "

Creativity & Generosity in Motion

I've been following Paul the Octopus' 100% accurate predictions (better than Joe Scarborough) on the this year's World Cup . He's had a lot of death threats; paella anyone? What? You don't believe me?

Here's a picture of poor Paul. If you want to read it on Huffington Post, here's the link.

In the face of threats that he would be turned in to calamari, Paul the Psychic Octopus has bravely, and accurately, predicted Germany's defeat by Spain yesterday. The German-based psychic octopus has now achieved a 100% accurate prediction rate for the World Cup 2010.

An unexpected media phenomenon of the World Cup, Paul has gained such popularity that German television has now started to broadcast his predictions on-air, with two reporters sitting by his tank, offering live commentary from his home at Aquarium Sea Life in Oberhausen, Germany.

Paul has become world renowned, but recently provoked hostility in South America after his quarter-final prediction where he correctly predicted that Argentina would lose to Germany. Some Argentineans even threatened to kill Paul and put him in a paella.

The newspaper El Dia offered a recipe for any Argentine patriots who managed to capture Paul: "All you need is four normal potatoes, olive oil for taste and a little pepper."

The Argentinan chef Nicolas Bedorrou suggested a harsher way to cook the octopus: "We will chase him and put him on some paper. We will then beat him in order to keep the meat tender and then put it in boiling water."

His keepers encourage Paul to make his predictions by putting mussels into two glass cubes, with each cube having one of the competing nations' flags on the front. Whichever mussel Paul chooses first is taken as his prediction.

Paul showed special talents from his early life in Weymouth sea life park in England. According to the park's entertainment director Daniel Fey: "There was something about the way he looked at our visitors when they came close to the tank. It was so unusual, so we tried to find out what his special talents were."

The first time Paul's psychic abilities were tested was during the UEFA Euro 2008 soccer championship when he was proven correct in 80% of predictions made. Paul's current keeper in Germany, Oliver Walenciak, says Paul is not bothered by the death threats sent by Argentinean supporters, some of whom now blame the octopus for their World Cup exit: 

"There are always people who want to eat our octopus but he is not shy and we are here to protect him as well. He will survive."

Paul's antics have been reported to millions throughout the world, adding yet another light-hearted and quirky twist to the great celebration of humanity that is the World Cup in South Africa. The phrases "Paul the Octopus" and "Pulpo", the Spanish for octopus, are both currently in the top 10 global trends on Twitter.

Octopi are apparently highly intelligent animals and have been shown to have a good short and long-term memory. Some say their intelligence is similar to that of a dog. It has been calculated that if you placed accumulator bets on the basis of Paul's predictions at the beginning of this World Cup, you would have now made a 131 times your money.

Yet don't base your pension plan on gambling on Paul's predictions during the next World Cup, as Paul is unlikely to live until 2014 - octopuses only live an average of 3 to 5 years, and he was born back in 2008. I can see already unprecedented grief for this octopus on his passing, perhaps even a state funeral, as millions unite in silence and the Last Post is played -- on a vuvuzela, of course.

Calamari will never taste the same again.

Ambassador 'Blago' > Another Illinois embarrassment

Read the whole article here. Get all the wiretap tape transcripts here

At one point in the tape, Blagojevich asks if he could get Obama to appoint him as Secretary of Health and Human Services or another top federal post. [snip] 

"I don't think that's realistic," Harris tells Blagojevich.  [snip] 

Harris also tries to shoot down a suggestion from Blagojevich that he could try to get various ambassadorships, including United Nations ambassador or ambassador to India or South Africa. But Harris tells Blagojevich those aren't viable options either [snip] 

Blagojevich, 53, has pleaded not guilty to scheming to sell or trade the U.S. Senate seat Obama gave up following his November 2008 election. He has also pleaded not guilty to plotting to launch a racketeering scheme using the powers of the governor's office. 

If convicted, Blagojevich could face up to $6 million in fines and a sentence of 415 years in prison, although he is certain to get much less under federal guidelines.

Canine Weirdness (click)

For Wordmeisters Only

THE WASHINGTON POST'S MENSA INVITATIONAL ONCE AGAIN INVITED READERS TO TAKE ANY WORD FROM THE DICTIONARY, ALTER IT BY ADDING, SUBTRACTING OR CHANGING ONE LETTER & SUPPLY A NEW DEFINITION. 

And the winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13.. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

THE WASHINGTON POST HAS ALSO PUBLISHED THE WINNING SUBMISSIONS TO ITS YEARLY CONTEST IN WHICH READERS ARE ASKED TO SUPPLY ALTERNATE MEANINGS FOR COMMON WORDS.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.